The Return

I am now officially back on social media after giving it up for Lent. It's nice to be back on with all my friends from different states and parts of the world. I've missed them all. Being away for all that time has really made me focus on the relationships I have in the real world. It made me grateful to know such sweet and amazing people, who actually want to spend time with me and whose unique personalities always make our outings so much fine. I'm a lucky woman. 

This break from Lent also gave me a lot of time to myself. I had feared that the loneliness would sadden me. All it did was make me realize how precious solitude is. I enjoyed being alone. I enjoyed the silence and the weight of my own body moving through the world. And whenever I felt separated from the online world, I'd center myself with the knowledge that I am surrounded by great people. It's amazing how the ones you love can become the anchors that keep you from losing yourself. I held on tightly to them and then, when I regained my courage, I slowly, cautiously, let go. 

This was an experience I needed, a break that felt as relieving as it did frightening. I really found myself enjoying the moment as it was happening, not trying to post it on Instagram. I just let it be and basked in it. That's not to say I didn't miss posting my experiences somewhere all my friends could see. I like to share the moments of my life I find beautiful. Even the most simple things. Like today for instance, I visited Rockefeller Center to view the beautiful faberge eggs that were on display. I took pics of most of them but not before enjoying them unfiltered. I understood the nature of balance then, of not letting one thing consume you. I can always take a pic, but I realized the importance of enjoying the now. And it was a really lovely experience. 

And while enjoying the beautiful weather and finding myself, I happened to find faberge egg Waldo lol. 

All and all I'm happy to be back in the world of memes and status updates, but I will not neglect what exists right outside my tablet screen. This world is meant for living. I will live it and share these bursts of happy moments on the way. 

You Are

Theres a moment just before waking up when everything comes together. You know that you are. Not exactly who you are. Simply that, you are. And that's enough. Because in that passage of time before the mind suddenly blooms awake and you open your eyes, all you have is your body, and the gentle rhythm of your breathing to signify that you are alive. Somewhere in the part of your mind where color has faded, and sound is mere suggestion, you dream those dreams that are frightening and beautiful and cryptic. And they simply are. There's no need for interpretation. And for you, this is ok. You are living the dreams' moment. Those sad, amazing, powerful, beautiful, frightening images are filled with flight, and you live them someplace deep within your mind, while your body rests. And you are alive.

And then you wake up. And you piece together your name, and your address. You acknowledge the presence of the person sleeping next to you, or you realize that the house is empty and you are alone. You think about those dreams and you try to interpret. You consult your dream book, or the internet, or a friend who you feel is particularly sensitive to the meaning of dreams. You shower away the scent of the night. You eat. You work. And that's life. That's living for you. You forget that you are. Now you're only focused on who you are. This matters. But not enough. Because you still question, you still wonder.

You still dream.

Worth It.

There are things in this world worth living for.

You just have to find them.

For me, it's the people in my life who have somehow gotten close to me. They've squeezed their way through my silence and my fears and they've burrowed their own little holes in my heart. My heart's like a little honeycomb filled with people who have yet to give up on me.

That really matters to me. They really matter to me.

And they keep me going. I put them in a to-do list in my mind and schedule seeing them for sometime in the middle and end of the week. That way I can ensure that I go through the motions, do what I'm suppose to do and then I am rewarded with their presence.

We do fun things. Laugh, loiter, become way too loud on public transportation as we talk about our exhausting day to day lives. And for that moment, I feel normal. Like I have things to say. Like I'm worthwhile.

And we eat delicious foods and I feel full. It's not just the food that makes me feel this way. When I go home and I prepare for bed and I think and worry and wonder, they are part of my thoughts, pushing away the gray, at least momentarily. And this feels good. I sleep.

And then I wake up, knowing there are things in this world worth living for.