Early Morning Musings

Lately, I've taken to Instagram to share some of the early morning poetry that comes into my head. It's been a really cathartic experience for me. I allow my sleepy mind to settle and flow and whatever comes, comes. It doesn't matter if it's perfect. It only matters that it's my words and emotions.   

Everyone should have a ritual in the morning that helps make their life a bit more beautiful. Sometimes there is so much chaos in the day, it distracts you from the beauty and the gift of simply being alive. There's so many moments that I forget how lucky I am. But these morning musings help me to center myself. I feel a bit more receptive to the beauty in my life and I share it with others. 

I will share some of my favorite early morning poetry pieces here. :@) 

You can also follow me on Instagram by the way. My name is Loloroxxx (check me out!). 

(I felt very romantic today. Perhaps it's because of the blue skies and the soft clouds). 

(There's something about the moon and the night that intrigues me. I love the nighttime). 

(I see a pattern with my early morning poetry. The sky is a beautiful mystery to me. I embrace it). 

I hope you've enjoyed the poems that I've shared here today. I'll be sure to share more in the future! 

Art as Release.

Lately I've discovered the wonderful feeling of expressing myself through painting. I'm a writer, I've always loved the written word. There's something cathartic about taking a pen to paper or even the rhythmic sound of the keyboard tapping under your fingertips and watching words come to life on the page or screen. I love the books and their ability to weave words and worlds. It's my first love. 

But lately, while writing I've had a desire to try something new to exercise my brain and help my creativity flow. So I took a brush to canvas. And I fell in love. I'm no Picasso by any means. But creating a visual image with the colors available to me gives me a sense of pride that I find to be really powerful. And the act of brushing along the canvas, creating lines and shapes and making something coherent or emotional moving with the direction my brush is gliding on the surface is exhilarating. I look at each piece I've made with great pride. It's a happy experience. I'm gonna share some of the paintings I've made right here with you! 

I did Van Gogh's "Starry Night" for my older sister. She wanted a triptych painting (which is a three part painting) so this is part one. 

And here's part two: my "Starry Night Cityscape". 

And here's part three: my "Starry Tree". 

What do you think? Personally I love them and I'm proud of my creations. I'll definitely be doing more in the future. I feel like they are beautiful pieces of me painted onto canvas. They make me happy. 

The Fall

I often daydream about living a different life. Not in a "woe is me" kinda way, but more in a "hmmm what if" kinda way. I would watch a music video or see a play (on or off broadway) or a really good movie and wonder how it would be to live that life. In fact, as a child I would listen to my favorite songs and close my eyes, imagining the kind of music video I would put together for it. I still do that actually. I guess it's because it's fun for me to wonder and imagine. That's something that never left me, even as I've become an adult. 

I think about the people who make it on broadway, or the ones who are directing those music videos or acting on screen and I try to imagine how they got there. Hard work? Sacrifice? Chance? Luck? How did those who are able to create, whether it be a riveting character or beautiful crafted visual style, rise up to the level they are now. I feel like the process is like a roller coaster going up, up, up. You climb and you slip and you climb again and don't stop until you reach the pinnacle. I also think about the fall. How fast it came for some celebrities and well-known icons. It's slippery up there at the top. 

I think that why you must always keep climbing. Or find the plateau. It's the only way to avoid the fall. 

Then my mind wandered to the ones who can't seem to make it. The ones in which the bottom is all they've ever known. I thought about the struggle and despair of it all, having a desire but unable to see it through. It's heartbreaking. But even then, the dream is too powerful to give up on. It fuels them. They keep trying to climb up. 

I'd like to be able to be a climber. Reaching upward until I've found my peak. Balancing there and creating that plateau. But there's always struggle and that causes so many slips and trips that I often wonder if I will ever get up there. But I firmly believe in the determined spirit. I believe in the people that never give up. They are beacons, those dreamers. I want to shine like they do. Even when times get dark, I want to shine. 

Doubt

For a moment I almost felt sorry for myself. As always, a thought kept bubbling up in my head, taking annoying dense shape inside my skull. This time it whispered, "what are you doing with your life?" Apparently existing was not a good enough answer. The question surged and expanded, its brittle accusation forming a stress headache that pushed against my skull as if I am the one that had trapped it there. I could only groan and push through the day. But by the end of it I felt exhausted and more than a little irritated. I was angry without really knowing why.

At home, in the darkness of my own room, I tried to wrap myself with positive affirmations. "You can do it." "Keep working towards your dreams." "Don't let doubt stop you." It almost worked. But I still felt pretty useless. What was I doing with my life? Where was I going? The uncertainty of the future loomed before me and I realized how slender my path was, and how easily I could step off of it. Suddenly it felt like every decision I made was just another step farther away from my goals. Was I doing all that I could do? I had to do more. I had to write more and soon or else I'd never finish. I'd just fail at the one thing I love. And so on and so forth. I had almost sank into a cycle of despair.

But then another thought struck me. What are you doing right?

I hadn't really ever dwelled on what I was doing right in my life. Most of the time I was too focused on all I've done wrong. I started to make a list in my head. I was aware of how much further I had to go, but I was also surprised at how much I was dedicating to my passions. I wasn't just letting the days go by, I was setting aside time to focus on making my dream into a reality. I had concrete examples that I could refer to. I felt...proud of myself.  In the dark I counted off my goals, and felt hopeful. There would always be worries that make their way into my thoughts, but everyday I'm trying to better myself. I can't be bothered with doubts. I'm too busy working to make my dreams a reality.

I realize that were hope exists, doubt has no room to follow.

You Can't Break

What you couldn't have.

And that's what I'm feeling right now, like something I thought I was breaking, was never mine to break in the first place. It's all on display, this sad attempt at ownership. I don't want to rent out my own life forever. But right now..it seems like this is all there is. So I write..and at least I know that those words, though used by millions of people, billions of times a day..are my own. Because the came from me in this chaotic (or cryptic, or sorrowful) fashion and I breathed something into it.

There's so much that isn't mine. But it's still all just one big burden. I should let it go. Leave it to whatever owns it to take it all back.