Doubt

For a moment I almost felt sorry for myself. As always, a thought kept bubbling up in my head, taking annoying dense shape inside my skull. This time it whispered, "what are you doing with your life?" Apparently existing was not a good enough answer. The question surged and expanded, its brittle accusation forming a stress headache that pushed against my skull as if I am the one that had trapped it there. I could only groan and push through the day. But by the end of it I felt exhausted and more than a little irritated. I was angry without really knowing why.

At home, in the darkness of my own room, I tried to wrap myself with positive affirmations. "You can do it." "Keep working towards your dreams." "Don't let doubt stop you." It almost worked. But I still felt pretty useless. What was I doing with my life? Where was I going? The uncertainty of the future loomed before me and I realized how slender my path was, and how easily I could step off of it. Suddenly it felt like every decision I made was just another step farther away from my goals. Was I doing all that I could do? I had to do more. I had to write more and soon or else I'd never finish. I'd just fail at the one thing I love. And so on and so forth. I had almost sank into a cycle of despair.

But then another thought struck me. What are you doing right?

I hadn't really ever dwelled on what I was doing right in my life. Most of the time I was too focused on all I've done wrong. I started to make a list in my head. I was aware of how much further I had to go, but I was also surprised at how much I was dedicating to my passions. I wasn't just letting the days go by, I was setting aside time to focus on making my dream into a reality. I had concrete examples that I could refer to. I felt...proud of myself.  In the dark I counted off my goals, and felt hopeful. There would always be worries that make their way into my thoughts, but everyday I'm trying to better myself. I can't be bothered with doubts. I'm too busy working to make my dreams a reality.

I realize that were hope exists, doubt has no room to follow.