Doubt

For a moment I almost felt sorry for myself. As always, a thought kept bubbling up in my head, taking annoying dense shape inside my skull. This time it whispered, "what are you doing with your life?" Apparently existing was not a good enough answer. The question surged and expanded, its brittle accusation forming a stress headache that pushed against my skull as if I am the one that had trapped it there. I could only groan and push through the day. But by the end of it I felt exhausted and more than a little irritated. I was angry without really knowing why.

At home, in the darkness of my own room, I tried to wrap myself with positive affirmations. "You can do it." "Keep working towards your dreams." "Don't let doubt stop you." It almost worked. But I still felt pretty useless. What was I doing with my life? Where was I going? The uncertainty of the future loomed before me and I realized how slender my path was, and how easily I could step off of it. Suddenly it felt like every decision I made was just another step farther away from my goals. Was I doing all that I could do? I had to do more. I had to write more and soon or else I'd never finish. I'd just fail at the one thing I love. And so on and so forth. I had almost sank into a cycle of despair.

But then another thought struck me. What are you doing right?

I hadn't really ever dwelled on what I was doing right in my life. Most of the time I was too focused on all I've done wrong. I started to make a list in my head. I was aware of how much further I had to go, but I was also surprised at how much I was dedicating to my passions. I wasn't just letting the days go by, I was setting aside time to focus on making my dream into a reality. I had concrete examples that I could refer to. I felt...proud of myself.  In the dark I counted off my goals, and felt hopeful. There would always be worries that make their way into my thoughts, but everyday I'm trying to better myself. I can't be bothered with doubts. I'm too busy working to make my dreams a reality.

I realize that were hope exists, doubt has no room to follow.

To Run.

Earlier this morning as I made my way to work, I witnessed something that really made me stop and think. 

I was on an overly crowded bus (thank you Queens) headed to work. The rain was slapping against the windows and I happened to look out one of them and I noticed a man hunched in the rain, waiting by the bus-stop. Unfortunately for him he was standing at a local bus-stop and I was on the limited bus so I knew he would be passed by. But this man took one look at the bus and started running. At first I thought he had forgotten something at home. It took me a moment to realize that wasn't the case at all. He was running towards the limited bus-stop. He was trying to get there before we did. 

If that had been me I would have cursed my miserable luck and continued waiting for a local bus in the rain. That made me think. What motivates a man to risk running to a limited bus-stop when he was already at the local? Why would he run and not wait? Surely one would think the chances are too great to make it to the stop before the bus would. But he ran, even with the odds against him. 

He knew he could make it. 

This man saw a chance and took it, leaving the security of the place he was at to chase something better. I realized how different that would have been from my own actions. I also realized that while I would have still been waiting in the rain he would already have been on a bus heading towards his destination. 

Success feels like the same thing. It's an action, a chase. It's a man running towards a bus-stop three blocks down while a speeding bus drives by. It's no longer waiting for something to reach you, but instead getting up and getting it yourself. Success is not passivity. You've got to make a move. As he climbed into the bus, soaking wet and out of breath, I smiled at this man who had, in the flash of a moment changed something within me. Suddenly the world seemed to make more sense. It's amazing what the actions in everyday life can teach. 

A New Year. A New Day

A week into the new year and a day past my birthday and suddenly it truly feels like a new year to me. I don't feel older, I just feel more aware of who I am and the time I've been given. That time is right now. No more. No less. Everything else is a memory or speculation. Understanding this I realize that my goals are a day to day process. Everyday has to be lived with as much passion and purpose as I feel I can give because today is the only day that matters. In that way, I can actually feel like I've given it my all. 

December 31, 2013 my emotions were in such a state of conflict that I couldn't even write them down. Where had the year gone? What had I accomplished? What could I be proud of? I felt useless. I felt like a failure. I knew I hadn't given it my all and I would be entering the new year with feelings of regret and remorse. I didn't want that. So I started to think of New Years resolutions. But even as I wrote them out they felt hollow to me. They were just words. Promises already waiting to be broken. Lose weight. Be kinder. Travel the world. They sounded like commands and felt harsh to my ears. It was as if I were forcing myself to change, like I was ashamed of who I was at the moment. 

But that's not true. 

I had experienced a lot in 2013 that I will forever be grateful for. And even though I felt there was so much more I had to accomplish I needed to express myself in a way that showed this gratitude and a desire to be a better me. So I began to look at the day to day. Of course I want to be healthier, kinder and wiser. Of course I would love to have new amazing experiences and adventures. But how do I go about such grand ideas? 

I go about it like this: day by day. Hour by hour. My life is in the present and that is how I will live. 

So today I eat a healthier option. I smile more. I wake up thankful (if not cheerful). I work to the best of my ability. I write with purpose and desire. I exercise with all of my body. I love with all of my heart. Live with my eyes wide open, receptive and aware. This is all I can do. This is all I can be, the best of me one day at a time.