The Nameless Thing.

My dreams are faceless, soundless things. They hold no weight, choosing instead to settle themselves within the curve of my collarbone or the stoop of my (less than perfect) posture. I can feel them radiating their warmth and encouragement. And sometimes when trigger words pop into my everyday life, I could feel my dreams shudder, as if suddenly awakened by a force too great to name.

I want to name it "hope" but I'm afraid.

So it remains this nameless thing, causing my dreams to tremble and shine and move me in the way only dreams could. And I could feel their energy in the pit of my stomach, where my fear resides, bubbling and ready to overflow. I could feel them in my heart, where this nameless thing unfurls momentarily and leaves me breathless. It's a beautiful terrifying moment.

Some part of me, that believes in the universe trying to communicate and set us confused humans on the right path, believes that these triggers are the universe's way of saying, "Go on, this is yours! Do it! Don't be afraid!" And for a split second, resolve burns within me and I feel light-headed with possibility. But then there's another part. A quieter part. A deeper part, that whispers, "You'll only fail. You'll always fail. Don't even bother. What's the point?" And just like that, the resolve crumbles inside me. I feel angry at myself. I'm ashamed of my cowardice. I want to scream back at that quiet part of me that always makes me feel so small. I want to fight those words that always makes me hesitate.

But I don't.

Instead, I move through the world with my weightless dreams clinging to me as if they are all that's left in my life. And when a trigger word pops back into my existence, I savor that beautiful moment when I feel my dreams shake and shimmer. I smile at that familiar, nameless feeling opening in my heart and I allow myself a brief moment to consider that the maybe the universe really is showing me the way. It hasn't given up on me. It wants me to be brave and take a chance. One day I'll shake off the whispers that hold me back and I'm gonna answer the universe's call.

Worth It.

There are things in this world worth living for.

You just have to find them.

For me, it's the people in my life who have somehow gotten close to me. They've squeezed their way through my silence and my fears and they've burrowed their own little holes in my heart. My heart's like a little honeycomb filled with people who have yet to give up on me.

That really matters to me. They really matter to me.

And they keep me going. I put them in a to-do list in my mind and schedule seeing them for sometime in the middle and end of the week. That way I can ensure that I go through the motions, do what I'm suppose to do and then I am rewarded with their presence.

We do fun things. Laugh, loiter, become way too loud on public transportation as we talk about our exhausting day to day lives. And for that moment, I feel normal. Like I have things to say. Like I'm worthwhile.

And we eat delicious foods and I feel full. It's not just the food that makes me feel this way. When I go home and I prepare for bed and I think and worry and wonder, they are part of my thoughts, pushing away the gray, at least momentarily. And this feels good. I sleep.

And then I wake up, knowing there are things in this world worth living for.

Return

How long has it been since I've posted anything on this?

A very long time. Perhaps too long, since in between that long space my mind has been swimming and thoughts have been stirring that has both elated and terrified me. Thoughts of the future, a fantasy of success and independence has been trumped by the reality of insatiable bills and poor pay and the utter suckishness of being an adult. 

But I've been reading a lot of positive literature like, "The Secret" and writings by Deepak Chopra and I'm kinda convinced that in order to lead a happier less suckish life, I have to believe in it. So I daydream. And I work. And I fill my mind with bursts of color that drowns out the gray that seems to spread into my vision like black oil in a clean body of water. I mean, life isn't that bad. Not really. So there's no reason to cry about it. 

I have The Walking Dead to look forward to. 

Game of Thrones too. Awesome. 

And it's autumn, my favorite time of year. Pumpkins! Scary movies! Fall foliage! Wee!

So it's not that bad. 

I just need to work on the gray fringes of my life. Get some more color in there. Jump in a rainbow or something like that. 

I'll see how it goes.