Thoughts at 11:13am

Wondering. Dreaming. I'm sighing turbulent clouds of change. They are settling on my shoulders, ruffling my hair. Forcing me to move. I want to. I need to. These feet are not stuck. They are sprinting along a path I'm trying to reach the end of. There's a light there. I can feel it. It's warm and then blazing. My shoulders ache. My soul hurts. I'm free falling and spinning and dancing with the chaos. This is not frightening, but beautiful. I feel free, even as I stumble. I feel graceful even as I trip over my own feet. This life, oh god this life. What is my purpose in it? It's a mystery. Twine and ribbons that I'm unravelling from my body. I'm trying to reach the present within. This present. And I'll keep stripping myself down until I find it. I am unafraid. Unafraid. Unafraid. 

Night.

Night holds me still, like a mother whose arms reach all they way to the sky, to the stars and beyond. Its lullaby is a cascade of silence, broken by the rippling of sheets or the rustle of branches. My thoughts are frantic, harried and loud from the chaos of the morning. They come to me in sparks, igniting and receding. Igniting and receding. But the night is a mother who has long since figured out the ways of her child, and she soothes me as my thoughts dim and I drift away....

Early Morning Musings

Lately, I've taken to Instagram to share some of the early morning poetry that comes into my head. It's been a really cathartic experience for me. I allow my sleepy mind to settle and flow and whatever comes, comes. It doesn't matter if it's perfect. It only matters that it's my words and emotions.   

Everyone should have a ritual in the morning that helps make their life a bit more beautiful. Sometimes there is so much chaos in the day, it distracts you from the beauty and the gift of simply being alive. There's so many moments that I forget how lucky I am. But these morning musings help me to center myself. I feel a bit more receptive to the beauty in my life and I share it with others. 

I will share some of my favorite early morning poetry pieces here. :@) 

You can also follow me on Instagram by the way. My name is Loloroxxx (check me out!). 

(I felt very romantic today. Perhaps it's because of the blue skies and the soft clouds). 

(There's something about the moon and the night that intrigues me. I love the nighttime). 

(I see a pattern with my early morning poetry. The sky is a beautiful mystery to me. I embrace it). 

I hope you've enjoyed the poems that I've shared here today. I'll be sure to share more in the future! 

Tears in the Dark

I don't think it's weird to cry alone in the darkness of your room. I don't think it's weird at all. I did it. Last night in fact. And I'll say one thing, sometimes living this life requires a few tears, even if the only person present to wipe those tears away is you. 

Last night I cried until I exhausted myself. I felt lonely and tired and sick of being lonely and tired even though I had just enjoyed a wonderful day with a good friend. I felt lonely because that wonderful day couldn't last forever. I felt tired because the loneliness is not a new thing. Now, this kind of lonely isn't the result of having no friends or family. I'm lucky enough to have befriended and been born alongside a group of really amazing, talented, kind-hearted, beautiful people. I felt lonely because...well just because. 

No. That isn't good enough. 

I felt lonely because even though I'm smiling and laughing and having a great time, the night always leaves me with just my thoughts for company.  

And my thoughts suck. 

Especially when it turns to the general direction my life has taken and the offerings I, as an adult human being, is able to give the world. My thoughts can be downright cruel. Even a a bit exaggerating but that doesn't stop it from rattling away. And I felt a loneliness settle within me when I realized there is no one to talk to about this... No one who would gladly listen for free at least. And so here I am in my room, with my shitty, mean-spirited thoughts for company. And I'm looking at my vision boards and the notes I wrote in the time of yesteryear and I feel tragically unfulfilled and old and pretty useless. And I haven't washed the makeup off my face yet and it's past 11 at night and I kinda wanna write a really pathetic status on Facebook but honestly what good would that do so I put away my hopefulness from yesteryear and I drag my sobbing body to the light switch, cut it off and collapse on my bed. My tears were multifaceted, with no real purpose except to engage in the act of releasing themselves. I let them go. 

And I cry for a bit, relishing in all that overwhelms me; feeling incredibly sorry for myself. And then, eventually my tears stop. I'm left in the darkness with eyes wide open and only my breath to guide me. I'm waiting for something to happen, for a ray of moonlight to touch my face like God's own ever-loving presence. 

I turn to the window. The moon is out. It is only concerned with its own haunting glow. But I look at it and I feel better. I wipe my tear-crusted face. I sit up. There is no sound in the darkness save for my own breathing. My own steady breathing. The world hasn't ended. My sobs haven't brought about Armageddon. 

 I don't feel great. But I don't feel as bad as I did when I originally started crying. So I just sit there. Alone. A little lonely. And I get up, wash my face, brush my teeth and head for bed.   

It's past 1 in the morning. My sleep is deep and dreamless. 

The Weekend (Thoughts)

This morning..I woke up with thoughts clawing frantically towards the weekend. I know that this will not be an easy weekend for me. It almost promises that. So as always, I'm worrying about it before it even begins. On the drive to work I felt my thoughts cover their cold hands around my throat. I could barely breathe.

It's only two days
It's only two days..

I was looking to the sky again and trying to let it's openness find something within me to release. I thought, Look at the sky Lorna, so vast and beautiful, always covering you, always protecting you. What do you have to worry about while under it?

And I did look up and I did see just how calming and soft and serene it looked to me. And I could feel my heart slow its beat and my breathing come back to normal. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or the day after, or even the day after that..but I know that right now, I'm here under the sky. And I'm alive.

Wake Up

When I rose this morning, only darkness greeted me. But it silences the mind and so I allowed it. It's only when the sun rose that new worries rose with it. But at that moment, while the thin film of sleep still stuck to my skin, and night surrounded me, my mind was empty and everything was still ok.