The Weekend (Thoughts)

This morning..I woke up with thoughts clawing frantically towards the weekend. I know that this will not be an easy weekend for me. It almost promises that. So as always, I'm worrying about it before it even begins. On the drive to work I felt my thoughts cover their cold hands around my throat. I could barely breathe.

It's only two days
It's only two days..

I was looking to the sky again and trying to let it's openness find something within me to release. I thought, Look at the sky Lorna, so vast and beautiful, always covering you, always protecting you. What do you have to worry about while under it?

And I did look up and I did see just how calming and soft and serene it looked to me. And I could feel my heart slow its beat and my breathing come back to normal. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or the day after, or even the day after that..but I know that right now, I'm here under the sky. And I'm alive.

This Morning

Yesterday came to me like the swirl of this beating chaotic noise that I could neither stop nor quiet. It's aftershocks left me disheveled, not quite aware of myself or how to continue on.

But this morning, the world is covering me in such softness that I can only forget yesterday's troubles. I'm immersed in silence and I'm taking each breath more slowly than I ever would have.

I'm digging my feet into the ground and holding on today. Nothing will shift me off balance.

Nightly Ramble

Before I swam this sea of endless symmetry. I was the rock, the weathered stone. I was the slant slipping through the designated lines. As strong as I am, no fall could end without a shatter.

Thoughts about Night

Right now, I'm thinking about night as a fleeting breath against me. I need it's soothing touch but it never stays long enough. It is truly the only time when thinking comes naturally to me, when words are not so harsh and solid, but softer, gentler. I wish it would stay with me longer, but nothing in this world is permanent. So everytime I wake up, I let go, I exhale. And the night sheds itself and reemerges as day. This to me, is a sacrifice.

Wake Up

When I rose this morning, only darkness greeted me. But it silences the mind and so I allowed it. It's only when the sun rose that new worries rose with it. But at that moment, while the thin film of sleep still stuck to my skin, and night surrounded me, my mind was empty and everything was still ok.

You Can't Break

What you couldn't have.

And that's what I'm feeling right now, like something I thought I was breaking, was never mine to break in the first place. It's all on display, this sad attempt at ownership. I don't want to rent out my own life forever. But right now..it seems like this is all there is. So I write..and at least I know that those words, though used by millions of people, billions of times a day..are my own. Because the came from me in this chaotic (or cryptic, or sorrowful) fashion and I breathed something into it.

There's so much that isn't mine. But it's still all just one big burden. I should let it go. Leave it to whatever owns it to take it all back.

Overthinker.

I'm thinking that maybe I think too much.

There's a full fledged conversation started up there before I even part my lips.

Arguments rage up there and I can never counter it.

I'm battling my own self for control of my life,

My sanity.

But really all that ever comes out of me is silence.

I...

Wonder what it will take to win this?

Or...perhaps I'm just thinking too much?