Clarity

Clarity. I'm in the process of searching for it. Unfortunately, on my quest, there have been millions of buzzing negations questioning my search for the right to be clearheaded, focused...Happy. I am at war with myself. It is like there is a separate entity inside of me lurking in the dark recesses of my mind, like Gollum, searching for its "precious". The "precious" being my positive sense of self. This entity wants to harbor it for its own intentions while I'm the one who tragically disappears, becoming the gray puddle wetting everyone's happy shoes or the unneeded shade on an already chilly day. I'd like to say this war is new but it's not. It's been raging inside of me from the moment I realized that being a "good little girl" does not equate to showing my anger/frustration. It was raging from the moment I realized that being a "joy to be around" did not mean divulging my many feelings of inadequacy or doubt. In other words, it started the moment I realized I had to put on a mask. Dutifully I wore it, smiling when required, being polite when I wanted to scream. I let my sadness fall onto the soft caress of my pillow at night. By morning, I was doing it all again.

The moment my mask broke was when I realized that everyone wore them. My parents wore them, my siblings, even my friends. We were all existing with only a shallow version of ourselves exposed to the world. We showed our true selves to only a trusted few, and even with them we kept certain parts hidden. And within us, wars were raging. These wars were all about self-awareness, self-love and acceptance. It's about finding the parts of ourselves that we hid to make others happy. And loving even the most torn and fragile bits of who we are. Without those pieces, we are lost. How can we ever know ourselves? There's courage in the act of living, but I would go even further and say there's courage in the act of being. Truly being oneself without all the filters. So I've decided to go on a mission, to find myself, and accept all that I am, good or bad. I will embrace my mistakes, celebrate my accomplishments and feel pride in how far I've come. I will be grateful each day for a chance to learn more about myself. And while those dark thoughts litter my mind, magnifying my failures, pointing out my flaws, I won't cringe, I won't run away. Instead, I'll acknowledge it. Give it light, chase the shadows away and let it stand there, without enchantment. It is what it is. It's amazing how quickly bad thoughts lose their power when they are faced head on, when all the worry and shame has been stripped away. You're left with just a thought. A small piece of all that is. And that piece doesn't even come close to who I'm discovering myself to be.