Clarity. I'm in the process of searching for it. Unfortunately, on my quest, there have been millions of buzzing negations questioning my search for the right to be clearheaded, focused...Happy. I am at war with myself. It is like there is a separate entity inside of me lurking in the dark recesses of my mind, like Gollum, searching for its "precious". The "precious" being my positive sense of self. This entity wants to harbor it for its own intentions while I'm the one who tragically disappears, becoming the gray puddle wetting everyone's happy shoes or the unneeded shade on an already chilly day. I'd like to say this war is new but it's not. It's been raging inside of me from the moment I realized that being a "good little girl" does not equate to showing my anger/frustration. It was raging from the moment I realized that being a "joy to be around" did not mean divulging my many feelings of inadequacy or doubt. In other words, it started the moment I realized I had to put on a mask. Dutifully I wore it, smiling when required, being polite when I wanted to scream. I let my sadness fall onto the soft caress of my pillow at night. By morning, I was doing it all again.
The moment my mask broke was when I realized that everyone wore them. My parents wore them, my siblings, even my friends. We were all existing with only a shallow version of ourselves exposed to the world. We showed our true selves to only a trusted few, and even with them we kept certain parts hidden. And within us, wars were raging. These wars were all about self-awareness, self-love and acceptance. It's about finding the parts of ourselves that we hid to make others happy. And loving even the most torn and fragile bits of who we are. Without those pieces, we are lost. How can we ever know ourselves? There's courage in the act of living, but I would go even further and say there's courage in the act of being. Truly being oneself without all the filters. So I've decided to go on a mission, to find myself, and accept all that I am, good or bad. I will embrace my mistakes, celebrate my accomplishments and feel pride in how far I've come. I will be grateful each day for a chance to learn more about myself. And while those dark thoughts litter my mind, magnifying my failures, pointing out my flaws, I won't cringe, I won't run away. Instead, I'll acknowledge it. Give it light, chase the shadows away and let it stand there, without enchantment. It is what it is. It's amazing how quickly bad thoughts lose their power when they are faced head on, when all the worry and shame has been stripped away. You're left with just a thought. A small piece of all that is. And that piece doesn't even come close to who I'm discovering myself to be.
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Our dual natures are as such that set up confrontations... I believe that our purpose is to transcend the duality in order to become one, however this is not always an easy path to take requiring some clear headed thinking and some purity of heart. For myself I learnt a long while back not to go into battle with my selves but instead to sit and have a discussion with each other. Surprising how quickly the nonsense that chatters in the mind is soon soothed by the compassion of the heart, and how the aches of the heart are soon appeased by the logic of the mind. The mask sees itself and melds into the self... an ongoing embrace of self... certainly something to celebrate. xo
ReplyDeleteWise words my friend!
DeleteThe fact that you're able to sit and discuss among your inner selves shows your sense of sense control and understanding. It takes a lot of effort, a lot of practice to find that medium where you can still the chaos of your mind and look deeper within. Your comment was enlightening and beautifully written as always Cosimo. Thank you!
DeleteIt’s such a personal enterprise. The road of self discovery has no end point; it certainly has way stops to take refuge and rest. I’ve changed with each significant phase I’ve experienced to-date. I expect a few more before I die. Duality is for me a natural state of being. I’ve tried with some success to integrate the aspects of who I am, instead of chopping parts off.
ReplyDeleteThere is a time and place for all things. Finding the right people to confide in makes life that bit easier. We are instinctually guarded; this is why we probably never divulge absolutely everything. Writing is one way I’ve found to work things out and let things out.
You’re a wise and wonderful woman, Lorna.
xxx
DeleteAnd you are a beautiful soul Lisa, filled with more clarity than I could ever imagine. Duality is what makes us so human and so interesting. I don't feel we should hide it, though it's true that you cannot always trust everyone with all that you are. Through your words I have experienced a person who is both contemplative and carefree, vibrant and serene. Thank you for reading this and for your insightful comment my friend.