Nothing's Easy (But is it Worth it?)

Ok, so if you're like me, you're someone in your mid twenties to early thirties who realizes that your dreams may not fit that standard mold of success. You don't want to be a doctor or lawyer, but you still want your life's meaning to help change the world. 

It's getting started that's the tricky part. 

Or perhaps you've already started but you feel stuck in an endless cycle of projects that don't seem to be taking you as close to your goals as you may want. 

And then there are your circle of friends, whose successes leave you feeling proud and envious at the same time. Meanwhile you can count your accomplishments on one hand. 

Or perhaps one finger. 

So you're discouraged. Your friends have all taken a different path and many of them has found success and you don't feel you can talk to them about the road you chose to go down because, how could they possibly understand? You desire a role model, a successful face that has been where you are before but has somehow made themselves into something much greater. You desire some clear cut instruction manual telling you that feelings of uncertainty and panic when chasing your dreams are normal. You desire some kind of validation. Because right now, at this particular moment, you don't know if continuing on is worth it. 

But the world is ominously silent. 

I think this is the part where people tend to give up; when they're casting their fears to the universe, pleading for a sign but getting only silence in return. The hopelessness, the loneliness can be overwhelming. But you're reading the signs wrong. 

"I shall assume that your silence gives consent" is what the famous philosopher Plato once said. He couldn't be more right. Sometimes silence is the world acknowledging that you're doing it right. You don't need fireworks and marching bands to tell you that your path is a worthy one. You only need to feel the surety in your heart to know that this is what you were meant to do. This is what you were meant to be. 

Now here's the hard part. Being consistent. Waking up every morning still living in your parent's house or that tiny little apartment on crappy avenue and motivating yourself to take that one step today that will bring you closer to your life's dream. Juggling work and school or stresses from your home and personal life to sit down at 2am in the morning to work on your passion. Brushing aside the worried proclamations of friends and family who wish you had chosen a more...lucrative/safe path to continue to follow your dream. It will not be easy. But whenever you feel like giving up and your prayers are going unanswered remember Plato's quote. Close your eyes and ask the question inwardly, "is this worth it?" And be amazed at how your heart responds. There lies the truth. 

Affirmation: You are Limitless

This journey towards making my dreams a reality has only one true enemy. And that is me. 

No matter how many people speak negatively of my desires or fill my head with doubtful words, ultimately I am the one who makes the final decision. I am the one who either brushes past the stings or fall to its poison. There is a choice in the matter. I am the one who chooses. This power is mine and mine alone. 

So why do I bother with doubt in the first place? I mean, ultimately I am the master of my own destiny right? I can walk my own path, so why the struggle? It's because I put myself and the dreams that motivate me into a tiny box. I give myself walls and regulate their distance. I allow myself to go only so far before I reach the barrier and when I do, I believe only one thing, that I can go no further. I close myself up to the possibility of success. I am the one who rations the space that I feel I deserve and like a caged bird, I mourn for my freedom. But it is all my doing. I am the one trapping myself. I am the prisoner and the prison itself.

But dreams are boundless. 

They stir the synapses of my brain and push outward, forcing me to see its possibly through space and time. I begin to imagine a future where my dreams are realized. Already they have tapped into a realm I cannot go. My dreams have no box to shut itself into. It has no prisons to mourn in. I could not cast a power into a man-made space and force it to stay. It will reach higher than the walls I build each and every time. 

I think about this and begin to understand something else. If I am able to create an idea so powerful that no prison can hold it, what does that make me? Surely not a person who will let one obstacle prevent me from actualizing the dreams I birth into the world? I create my own blockades, I design my own prison walls and for this reason I understand that without those barriers I would be limitless. I would be able to shatter any obstacles of the world because I've already destroyed them in my mind. 

Clarity

Clarity. I'm in the process of searching for it. Unfortunately, on my quest, there have been millions of buzzing negations questioning my search for the right to be clearheaded, focused...Happy. I am at war with myself. It is like there is a separate entity inside of me lurking in the dark recesses of my mind, like Gollum, searching for its "precious". The "precious" being my positive sense of self. This entity wants to harbor it for its own intentions while I'm the one who tragically disappears, becoming the gray puddle wetting everyone's happy shoes or the unneeded shade on an already chilly day. I'd like to say this war is new but it's not. It's been raging inside of me from the moment I realized that being a "good little girl" does not equate to showing my anger/frustration. It was raging from the moment I realized that being a "joy to be around" did not mean divulging my many feelings of inadequacy or doubt. In other words, it started the moment I realized I had to put on a mask. Dutifully I wore it, smiling when required, being polite when I wanted to scream. I let my sadness fall onto the soft caress of my pillow at night. By morning, I was doing it all again.

The moment my mask broke was when I realized that everyone wore them. My parents wore them, my siblings, even my friends. We were all existing with only a shallow version of ourselves exposed to the world. We showed our true selves to only a trusted few, and even with them we kept certain parts hidden. And within us, wars were raging. These wars were all about self-awareness, self-love and acceptance. It's about finding the parts of ourselves that we hid to make others happy. And loving even the most torn and fragile bits of who we are. Without those pieces, we are lost. How can we ever know ourselves? There's courage in the act of living, but I would go even further and say there's courage in the act of being. Truly being oneself without all the filters. So I've decided to go on a mission, to find myself, and accept all that I am, good or bad. I will embrace my mistakes, celebrate my accomplishments and feel pride in how far I've come. I will be grateful each day for a chance to learn more about myself. And while those dark thoughts litter my mind, magnifying my failures, pointing out my flaws, I won't cringe, I won't run away. Instead, I'll acknowledge it. Give it light, chase the shadows away and let it stand there, without enchantment. It is what it is. It's amazing how quickly bad thoughts lose their power when they are faced head on, when all the worry and shame has been stripped away. You're left with just a thought. A small piece of all that is. And that piece doesn't even come close to who I'm discovering myself to be.